This post is somewhat of a continuation of my last post (which you can see here). For those of you at church last Sunday, it's like the second half of the testimony you heard...with maybe slightly more detail.
My children frustrate me so much sometimes. Sometimes I feel like nothing I give them is ever enough. If we go to Busch Gardens, then why can't we get ice cream afterward? If we go to the movies, why can't we go somewhere else afterward? Why can't they have? Why can't they do? Their friends have blah, and their friends have blah blah; why can't they? They're actually very grateful sometimes, but in those other times...man, it irritates the snot out of me. It also makes me sad.
How sad do I make God?
I consistently compare myself and my abilities to other people's. I sing decently, but I'm no Crystal Lewis from high school (she was and is A-MAZING) or Sandi Patty or Mandisa. I think I write pretty well, but I'll never be a Priscilla Shirer or Beth Moore. I can speak decently in front of people, but I can't imagine impacting people like these other women and men.
They're something special. I'm just Alissa.
How often have I saddened my God? How often has He looked on me lovingly with sadness in His eyes and said, "Oh precious Alissa, why can't you appreciate what I've already given you? Why must you compare yourself to everyone else to find your worth? I have given you just what you need to accomplish MY purposes for your life; for those things you are perfectly equipped."
I'm just a spoiled child; nothing He's given me is ever enough.
At one point on Saturday, Sheila Walsh told a story about singing for a Billy Graham event early in her career. She said when she finished she thought, "Well that just wasn't all that good." Of course, the "alter calls" for Billy Graham events are legendary, and she just knew no one would come up and they :would "put two and two together" and realize it was her fault. Nevertheless, they flocked up. She said she realized in that one moment that we get caught up in what we can and can't do, but when we are anointed by God there is no end to what He can do with us. No end.
Dear Jesus, forgive me.
It was in those moments that I realized how much I take for granted and how much I compare myself with other people...and how tired I am of apologizing for who and what I am.
Tired. Flat out tired.
I'm tired of apologizing for my voice that carries and my big personality. I'm tired of feeling like a pit of mediocrity and secretly harboring the fear that nothing I do will never measure up.
"For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful and I know this very well.
My bones were not hidden from you when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all of my days were written in Your book
and planned before a single one began."
I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13) and if I am using the talents, personality, strengths, and gifts He's given me for His purposes and seeking His will, then I have nothing to apologize for.
I'm Alissa Shea Coburn.
Most of the time I'm sunny like Rainbow Bright and my personality, voice, and butt are big.
I have a great singing voice; it's not perfect, but I'm working on it.
Sometimes I get so caught up in singing for my Jesus, and it's loud and bold, but then I mess up the words because I'm too immersed to look at the screen.
I am crazy in love with my husband and my kids, and I'll probably gush about them if you give me the chance.
I love to write, and I want to be published one day.
I goofy and grinning loud and loving.
I'm Alissa, and this is the way my God made me.
I will try to learn. I will try to improve. I will try to grow.
But right now, right now I'm exactly who I should be for this moment and He's given me everything I need to accomplish His purposes today....