My wonderful friend and wedding photog Amanda posted something yesterday about taking a day of rest. It really struck a chord with me, but not until reflecting late last night.
I got off work yesterday and raced over to my in-laws' to get the kids. Couldn't stop to talk...too much to do!! Raced back home with the snow pouring down so I could prepare for the life group lesson and make chicken for the meeting. Spazzed out because I could not find the leader book anywhere, just the participant book and the DVD. Made chicken, snapped at the kids when they were coming in from the snow, and freaked out about the chicken and how much to make.
The house was a wreck. I was a wreck.
We ended up canceling due to the weather...and I realized I had just made an absolute terror out if myself in order to meet people...at church...so we could fellowship and worship God together.
Anyone else see the problem in this?
Let me be clear. This is not about Life Group. This is about:
1. Making myself busy to death, and
2. My idol of not wanting to disappoint anyone
First, I need to take a break from the endless scheduling. I've talked about this before, but it seems to be something I constantly struggle with. We. Are. Always. On. The. Go. And I love it...which is what makes this hard!! I love doing all the stuff I do. I love helping on committees and meeting friends and organizing events and letting the kids be involved...but I'm exhausted. Even more than that, I'm frustrated. When I run around a ton and the house gets ignored and starts falling apart, it starts an endless cycle because then I HATE being in my house. I'm already tired and the thought of everything that needs to be done here makes me want to run for the hills...or the mall. Whatever.
So, last night I freaked out because I was unprepared and too busy and I couldn't function in my wreck of a house. That's just not okay. I need to make sure I'm taking care of things at home like I need to be, so that I can function in order to prepare for the really important things...and Life Group is one if those things...
Which leads me to my second point. Life Group is really important, but I've been really discouraged about it lately. It's been REALLY difficult for us to meet the last couple months. First it was the holidays and everyone having plans, and then recently, everyone had had the flu. Seriously, we canceled one time for Hollydazzle. Plus, with me being as busy as I have been and still working full-time, and baking the baby I've had a difficult time even finding the time to coordinate the mass texts to get everyone on the same page.
I feel like I'm letting everyone down constantly.
Once again, fast forward to last night. I have gotten everyone together. Well, a couple families anyway. I have made arrangements. I know everyone has been frustrated by the canceling, so this will not be canceled! WILL NOT!! Did you hear that, Snow?! Keep coming down! You will not alter my course! I won't let everyone down! Should we cancel?? Of course not!! It's just an inch or two. Sticking to the roads? It can't be that bad!!
Stress. Frustration. Yelling at the kids. Grumbling in my head and in my heart.
All in the name of meeting for God.
Then I got the message from Josiah that said the roads were really bad. I didn't want to cancel again, but I couldn't ask people to risk their families' safety either.
So instead of Life Group last night, we sat down to a dinner of A LOT of chicken and leftover salad, and then we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie.
I also prayed. I prayed that God would give me wisdom. I have to start using my energy more efficiently, and that may mean cutting out some things for a bit. Or at the very least, I need to schedule as many nights IN as I schedule them out. I also asked for forgiveness for putting my feelings before Him. My behavior yesterday in no way glorified my Lord, and my need to please people is nothing less than idolatry.
And today is a new day, and I'm thankful for the grace He extends through the blood of Jesus, knowing He is always at work in me...sanctifying me. Amen!!