The next day. The day after the whiny rant.
Here's the way this works. I feel a certain way for a looooong time, and I have a really hard time shaking it. So, I finally write about it to get it off my chest, and then God shows me why I'm wrong.
Actually, strike that. It's at that point, when I've opened myself up for the world to see, that my heart is finally softened so he can make his point...I think.
I'm a work in progress folks.
Anyway, regarding yesterday's little "rant," I've been convicted in the following ways:
- Wow. I am prideful. So prideful. This isn't really a shock to me because, as it turns out, almost every time I feel deep conviction, it's because of my pride. I want God to do this, and I want God to do that. Like the creator of the universe needs to bend to my will and do what I want when I want it. Prideful.
- The whole "I'm lost" thing is complete crap. Completely. Crap. I'm not lost. That's the point of the Good News. I'm found ya'll. I've been adopted by the aforementioned Creator of the universe. I CAN'T be lost. He knows the number of hairs on my head, and I'm not lost at all. He's just making me wait...spoiled brat that I am.
- A lot of my whining about my efforts has been that I don't feel they're fruitful, so I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. How do I know? In Galatians Paul says, "So we must not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we do not give up" (6:9, emphasis added). Yup. Like Josiah noted last night, we prayed a lot before we started this marriage ministry and all along the way. It's not what I'M doing anyway (prideful again), it's what GOD chooses to do. I do the work, and he grows the fruit.
God is making me wait for a reason, but He hasn't left me. He hasn't forsaken me. Why, then, have I been feeling so stinkin' ALONE?!
Because of THIS. I haven't been doing THIS.
I've told myself that I don't have anything to write about, and besides, I don't have the time to write. Who has time to write?!
If I've got time to mindlessly scroll through facebook, then I've got time to jot down thoughts about how God's working in my life.
See, I'm a verbal processor. In order to really solidify my thoughts, I need to share them.
I've told myself since not many people read this blog, it's a waste of time. However, I now know that's not true.
God has told me to write, and if no one else reads it, then no one else reads it. This is about me being obedient. As it turns out, God doesn't necessarily want me to write for other people; He wants me to write for me. So I can grow closer to Him.
I bawled talking to Josiah about all this last night. I asked where God was. I've been seeking Him every day. I used to feel Him moving in my life and speaking to me. Is He mad at me? Why has He left me?
He hasn't gone anywhere. He's just been waiting for me to obey Him so He could speak to me. For me, reading His word isn't enough. I've got to write about it in order to actually process and apply it.
That's me. He knows it. He created me; every bit of me.
You know me, God.
In true God-like form, He also sent me a little word today, and of course, He chose to do it through a child.
Little Ryan sauntered into the dining room this morning before breakfast and said, "I did my devotion, Mom. It was on waiting. God makes us wait for birthdays and all kinds of stuff. I'm waiting for Phinehas's birthday!"
Then, he got his breakfast.
I pulled out his devotion, and read it. God is so awesome. The words and Scriptures that go with it are below:
It is good to wait quietly for the Lord to save.
Waiting is not an easy thing to do, but there is a lot of it in this world. You wait for birthdays to come; you wait for your ride to arrive; you wait in all kinds of lines. You even sometimes wait with worry for bad things that never happen.
Waiting on Me is different. You are waiting for the perfect timing of My plans in your life. Waiting on Me means trusting me with every fiber of your being instead of trying to figure it all out yourself. When you trust me - when you wait for my timing - I will fill your life with blessings. I will give you strength and joy and hope. And I will give you My Presence - while you wait.
I say: the Lord is my portion,
therefore, I will put my hope in Him.
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
to the person who seeks Him.
You reveal the path of life to me;
in Your presence is abundant joy;
in Your right hand are eternal pleasures.